Unless that concert you are attending is in your living room or your back yard because you booked (and paid) the performer, will you please shut the hell up?
Although I will pick apart the Men at Work/Toad the Wet Sprocket concert Marilynn and I attended on Tuesday at the Cobb Energy Center, this post is based on concert experiences over the last few years.
The overarching rule is that concerts, plays, movies and the like occur in shared environments, which means you should be on your best behavior. If you wouldn’t do it during church, don’t do it here.
Etiquette Rule #1: STFU, Seriously
Talking during a concert — even a loud concert — is akin to heckling an actor while she is delivering the show-stopping monologue at the climax of a play. The young-ish people behind us talked incessantly during the show about absolutely nothing. Let the record show they were old enough to know better.
Marilynn knew I was getting annoyed, especially since I gave her the universal symbol (thumb and forefinger nearly touching) meaning I was at the end of my rope. She turned around and asked the people to please be quiet, but, of course, that didn’t work. Fortunately (for us, anyway), the concert wasn’t sold out, so we relocated. More about that later.
Etiquette Rule #2: Stay off Your Phone
I have no problem with people taking a few snaps during a concert, although we all know that from Row T they are going to look like grainy ants holding tiny, tiny guitars. It’s supposedly against the rules to take any photos, but grandma and grandpa volunteer ushers aren’t going to tackle miscreants, so just keep it to a minimum, OK? Recording entire songs is also a no-no, according to the Geezer Guide.
A woman in front of us and to our left was on her phone during the entire concert. At first (yes, I could kinda see her screen, which, incidentally, wasn’t set to “dark” mode, natch), she was accessing a setlist from a previous concert. In benefit-of-the-doubt mode, one could see the utility of that — but prior to the concert would have been better.
But she did it during every song, like she was willing the acts to toe the setlist line. Then she started checking social media — and sharing it with her seatmate. If you’re going to ignore the live act you paid to see, just stay at home.
Etiquette Rule Corollary #1: Read the Room
About half way during the Men at Work set, we moved to the end of our row to get away from the yakkers and the phone user. One song in, the woman directly in front of me (see photo) stood up during “Overkill.” Yes, it is a concert, but she was the only person in the vicinity standing up. At least the gesticulating woman who weaved off beat and waved her hands during Toad had the decency to do that in the aisle.
We moved a second time and had no further incidents, thankfully.
Performer Etiquette Rule #1: Read the Room
I have tried for nearly 15 years to see Men at Work front man Colin Hay live, but something always interfered. We were out of town. I didn’t know he was appearing and tickets were sold out, etc. The band’s popularity peaked during the 12 months I DJ’d at the local FM radio station as a senior in high school, and I always had a fondness for it.
During the concert, Hay made a couple of references to the fact that most people weren’t standing up, gesturing wildly or forming a mosh pit. Read the room, dude, It’s been 45 YEARS since your band became popular. It’s nearly my bedtime, it’s a school night and my back hurts when I stand up for too long.
I will thoroughly enjoy your performance from the comfort of my seat, thanks very much.
Performer Etiquette Rule #2: Know your Audience
Elbow is one of my all-time favorite bands, so much so that Marilynn and I, while she was giving talks in England in 2024, diverted overnight from Oxford to see the band in Birmingham. It was a great show, but I was glad to have a seat from which to enjoy their performance.
Fast forward a year, and Elbow announces a tour of America, mainly along the upper East Coast and Midwest. Each venue they booked was standing-room only, which is problematic for me. Although I take care of myself physically, standing for extended periods hurts my back. While still wondering how I was going to hold out, we bought tickets for their D.C. show so we could also visit friends.
About a week before the performance, I contacted the venue to see if there were seats anywhere, and I was granted the accommodation of a designated barstool next to the upper bar. OK, but there were WAY too many accommodated barstool denizens for the amount of countertop length each person was given. Marilynn had to squeeze in behind me, and the ubiquitous loudmouths who lord-knows-why attended this concert talked incessantly (and that time I couldn’t relocate).
Once during the performance, Elbow’s lead singer pointed to the barstool denizens and complained that not everyone was standing up. If your band wants to appeal to all ages, then you need to accommodate all ages.
To Europe ... and Back 
Hear! Hear!
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