Tourists getting way too close to you on all sides? Do you crave personal space? If you answered “yes,” then Elbow Knives® are for you! Elbow Knives strap to your arms and snap into place when you need them. Simply bring your arms in front of your chest and extend your elbows, and Elbow Knives open instantly to help you slash your way to the front of the queue or create a patented “Zone of Safety” around you. Think of switchblades for your elbows instead of your hands, and you know how Elbow Knives work.
With Elbow Knives, you can cut your way to the front of the line. Elbow Knives. Get yours today!
Elbow knives, a mad idea born of frustration with crowds and those who disrespect personal space. I think the idea has been brewing since we arrived in Northern Ireland in January. It certainly was informed by the crowds during our Italian vacation in February, particularly during the mad crush at the Vatican to glimpse the Sistine Chapel. I mentioned on Facebook at the time that I had to hip-check a couple of queue-hopping tourists, which, if anything, was an understatement.
The idea grew more solid on the jam-packed train from Olympic Stadium in Berlin last month after watching the Hertha Berlin match. And I believe the idea emerged fully formed in my mind at the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, which packs in tourists like sardines in a can. That experience contrasted with a visit earlier the same day to the Rijks Museum, which attracts as many visitors as the Van Gogh Museum yet does a much better job of crowd control.
I started pulling Elbow Knives on Declan, raising my elbows up and fake stabbing him to create more space for myself. There’s even a theme song. Think of any product jingle that’s merely sung, with a little bass and a lot of bravado, and you know the theme song for Elbow Knives.
But wait, there’s more!
OK, I’ve thought about this enough that there’s a commercial for Elbow Knives, too. I haven’t worked through all the details, but I imagine someone with the flexibility of a ninja twirling, whirling and slashing their way through a crowd of people, bodies piling up in the user’s wake. There’s a particular move in my head I can’t name. The ninja bends over at a 90-degree angle—elbows out, of course—then jumps in the air and rotates 360 degrees, Elbow Knives glinting in the light.
It’s no secret that I hate crowds and will go to great lengths to avoid them. For me, Elbow Knives are the answer. I can see it now, hucksters selling Elbow Knives instead of selfie sticks and those blobs you plop on a surface and watch resume their former shape while emitting a high-pitched whine. But I already have my Elbow Knives, so I slice, dice and julienne my way through a bunch of sidewalk sellers.
Fortunately for my fellow travelers, we will be relatively stationary until early July, save for a couple of weekend trips. So Elbow Knives will remain just a fantasy, at least until then.